This week on Instagram we put a spotlight on the big D. Discipline.
Discipline has gotten a bad rep because most of us associate it with harsh punishments. But have no fear, discipline is NOT the same as punishments. In fact, punishment-free parenting hinges on discipline!
So what’s the difference? Discipline comes from the Latin roots meaning ‘to teach’. We use discipline to set boundaries and teach our children what they need to know. Punishment is defined as ‘the infliction of a penalty as retribution for an offense’. Knowing these two definitions, it is easier to see how one is more effective, in the long term, than the other.
If we aren’t using punishments, what do we do when our child misbehaves? In a word, consequences. There are 3 types of consequences:
1. Natural Consequences. Natural consequences don’t require any intervention on our part, they just happen! Some examples are being cold when you don’t wear a coat, feeling hungry if you don’t eat enough at a meal, scraping your knee when you fall.
2. Logical Consequences. Logical consequences are related, reasonable, respectful actions that we take when our child misbehaves.
They are related to the misbehavior; cleaning up a spill, fixing something that is broken, time away from an activity, etc.
Reasonable means that ‘the punishment fits the crime’ (please excuse the phrase 😅). If a child throws a toy in a temper tantrum, putting ALL of their toys in the trash would be an overreaction. If a child does something dangerous, a more serious consequence is needed.
The hardest part for those of us who are relearning how to parent is respectful. Often we fall into the trap of shaming/blaming the child, when often they literally do not have the brain development to do something else. The easiest comparison I can make is how would you feel, as an adult, if your boss spoke to you that way at work. If you would feel demeaned, condescended, etc. then it is a good idea to check your tone & word choice. I like to pretend I’m David Attenborough and narrating the behaviors of a wild animal. When my tone is neutral, or even curious, it promotes problem solving and let’s them know I’m on their team.
3. Imposed Consequences. These are the most similar to traditional punishments, and I rarely use them. Like, I can’t even think of a time that I have. Most imposed consequences that I’ve seen come from a place of frustration and disregualtion in the parent. If you’re thinking ‘this is me 😬’, we’ve all been there, parenting is hard!
So how do we move from reactionary imposed consequences to calm logical consequences? Planning. Explain your expectations and what the consequence will be BEFORE it happens. Before you get out of the car, ‘We are going to the grocery store. I expect that you’ll stay near me and follow directions. If you are having a hard time with that, you’ll have to sit in the cart.’ Before you get out the bikes, ‘You can ride between the stop sign and the streetlight. If you go beyond that, we will have to come inside.’ This sets them up for success, and they won’t be surprised if you have to enforce those boundaries.
Living in Plaid 