This month has been full of holidays, travel, new baby, and toddler shenanigans.
Lottie started rolling from front to back this week. 😳 She has started losing her ‘newborn look’ and is looking more and more like an infant each day. We are starting to introduce the bottle once a day next week, I’ll let you know how that goes.
When Ted was born, I was working, so I pumped & he took bottles at childcare during the day. Jr was born in 2020, so he was with me 24/7 and we didn’t need to pump/bottle, but that meant he was with me ALL THE TIME, even as he got older. So we decided that we’d do a mix with Lottie, so I could go out alone as needed, while not having to wash bottles 900 times a day.
We had a very merry Christmas, and the boys have had a blast playing with their toys since we got home from Grandma & Grandpa’s house. We went with minimal, high impact toys this year, that I know will bring hours and hours of creative play.
There has also been meltdowns a plenty. The holidays being BIG emotions all around & it is easy to be overwhelmed. I know I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) and am easily overwhelmed by sounds and visual stimulation, and I think some of my kids are too. We need to take sensory breaks throughout long visits, usually in a quiet place without a lot of other people, to recenter ourselves. This is much easier to do in the summer when we can go outside for a walk, to work in the garden, or play in the sandbox, but is much tougher when the weather is single digits °F and the house is full of people.
We have been taking the end part of this week to decompress and get back into our routines. We don’t have any family plans to travel again until summer, so we will have plenty of time to get ourselves figured out.
Congratulations! A new baby in the family is a special time. It can feel overwhelming knowing that your child won’t be the only baby anymore.
What if I can’t spend as much time with my older child? What if they don’t get along? What if my older child feels jealous/left out? What if my older child plays too rough with the baby? How will I split my time/attention/love between two (or more) kids? All of these are valid concerns. Let’s dive in!
Lottie joining our family
Time
When it comes to time, you will be splitting it up as you add more children to your home. And, luckily, it quality over quantity to that matters. Even 5-10 minutes of quality 1:1 time per child makes a huge difference! What makes it work is the quality of the time. Use naptime, when another adult has the baby, or when they are contently in a swing/play gym. Get rid of all distractions and be as mentally present as possible; I promise 5 mins away from your phone or not thinking about the laundry list of chores to do won’t be as catastrophic as it feels.
There are also some key moments in the day to tune in to. They are the 3 mins after they wake up, after they get home from school/daycare (if applicable), and before bed. When you make an effort to connect at these key times, you’ll see your relationship continue to grow, even when your time is split.
Jr and Lottie spending some quality time together.
Jealousy
This one is tricky. It is a HUGE shift, no matter how many kids you have, to add a new member to the family. Feelings of jealousy and resentment are totally normal. It is okay for your other child(ren) to feel jealous. Heck, we often feel jealous as adults! I love the ‘The Way I Feel’ series by Cornelia Maude Spelman as a way to introduce and learn about uncomfortable feelings.
It is important to distinguish the difference between all FEELINGS are okay and all BEHAVIORS are not. Giving kids the tools to communicate how they are feeling without hitting/biting/etc is an important step that we often forget.
The boys designed a cake to celebrate Lottie’s birthday!
Rough Play
The thing you’ll hear me say over and over again is modeling. This one starts long before baby gets home and applies to more than just baby! We talk about using gentle hands with mom & dad, family members, friends, and our toys. These skills directly transfer to new baby, as long as we directly teach it. This can be as simple as saying ‘I see you playing so gently with your stuffies. That’s just what to do with Baby Sister!’
It is also vital to give them an outlet for that energy, so that they can control themselves around the baby. We make a point to get outside every day, as well as have some gross motor activities that we can do inside.
Teddy & Jr reading together.
Regresssions
Another common side effect of the chaos that is bringing home a new sibling is regressions in skills. Usually the most recently acquired skill is the first to regress. Some examples include verbal (using words to express thoughts/ideas/needs), toilet mastery (accidents, wanting to be in diapers again, etc), social-emotional (hitting/biting when frustrated, increased meltdowns), or an increase in new fears (scared of the dark/heights/etc).
While it can be frustrating for us, and they are ‘too old’ for these behaviors, it is important that we support them by looking through the behavior to the need behind it. They are feeling scared, unsure, out of control, or lonely. Validating those feelings, while giving them the tools that they need is our goal. It may feel like we are coddling them or encouraging the regressions at first, but by acknowledging that they are struggling, we are giving them the security that they need to feel confident in their new roles.
Wednesday morning I woke up after having a dream that my water broke, which felt telling considering that we were 40+3 at that point. Throughout the rest of the day I felt like I was leaking fluid, but wasn’t sure if it was amniotic fluid or not. The same thing happened with Jr, only this was a continuous leak rather than just when I put pressure on my pelvic floor, which was new. Around dinner time contractions started & had picked up from the Braxton Hicks I had felt on Sunday night. After almost 2 hours of that, combined with the leaking, we decided to go in to Labor & Delivery.
Last bump photo, a whole week before she came!
When we came in everything was good, but we were only at 3cm dilated. The doctor’s talked is through the options of letting labor progress naturally or starting Pictocin right away. We decided to give it a few hours to see how quickly we progressed. In hindsight, I probably should have taken this opportunity to walk the halls, bounce on the birthing ball, take a warm shower, or some other early labor techniques, but I didn’t. It was 9pm (which is my old lady bedtime) and we just watched some trash tv and tried to catch some sleep before the contractions got too intense.
Trying to catch some sleep before labor got too intense.
By midnight we had made it to almost 5cm, but because my water had been leaking all day, we needed to move faster to make sure she didn’t lose too much fluid. So we started Pictocin. It did it’s job and bumped up the frequency & intensity of the contractions. Charlotte did NOT like that. While I am extremely grateful for modern medicine, about every negative side effect of Pictocin happened. Every time I contracted her heart rate would drop (Ted did the same thing), but the contractions were so frequent she didn’t have recovery time between them. After her heart rate dropped to the 40s, they decided it was time to get her out!
Note: I had NOT had an epidural at this point, so as they wheeled me in and were prepping my body for surgery, I was still feeling every single thing. 😬
Little Lottie
Because of the urgency of getting her here safely, I was put under general anesthesia instead of waiting for an epidural. This meant that I was not awake during the procedure, or immediately after. Michael was able to do skin to skin as soon as they brought her back to him. Also, because it was an emergency, Michael wasn’t allowed in the OR with us.
By the time I woke up it was nearly 2am & it was all a bit of a blur. I got to hold her, then they transferred us to the Mom & Baby ward where we set up camp for the next few days.
Lottie’s blessing at 1 month old
Overall, this recovery has been a whole lot harder; from the physical recovery from major abdominal surgery, to the mental/emotional of having an (obviously) unexpected emergency C-section. We are taking it a day at a time and focused on slow, steady healing.
Moving is hard! Especially when you have kids. It’s not only challenging to manage and organize, it’s also takes emotional toll. We are in the process of moving from Vermont to Texas, with a 2 year old and a 9 week old! We’re only a little crazy.
So I started this particular post almost 2 years ago when we moved to Texas, but life got crazy & I never finished it. Oops! Here we are 2 years later mid-move from Texas to North Carolina, with our now 4 year old, 2 year old, and Baby Girl due in October. If that doesn’t tell you how hectic moving with kids is, I don’t know what will.
We have been in our house on Fort Bragg for about a week now, and things are finally feeling settled. It took about 6 weeks from the time we left our house in Texas to getting our house on Bragg. Yikes! We spent that time bouncing around from hotels, to my in-laws, and even some time with Michael’s brother’s family. We are so grateful for our family’s support during this crazy time.
Here are my top tips for moving with kids.
Make a binder. Keep all receipts, hotel confirmations, moving paperwork (government or DITY), any personal/military paperwork you’ll need (orders, housing, birth certificates, pet’s vet records, etc). You can also keep any packing organization you’ve used (color coded rooms, etc) in this folder. It feels a little over the top, but future you will thank you for keeping everything available and organized.Medical Records. This goes along with #1, but make sure you have immunization records, recent physicals, etc for all of your kids, especially if you’re moving near the beginning of school. Trying to arrange new patient appointments quickly after a move can be a huge added stress. (Trust me on this one. 😅 There’s nothing worse than realizing your kid needs some shots before school starts, but the next available appointment isn’t until a month later.)Prepare for ALL of the emotions (adults and kiddos alike!). Mallory at ditymama.com has the awesome blog post specifically about supporting kids emotionally through the PCS process. If you want more specific strategies, hop on over to my business website to get a Personalized Parenting Plan where we can create a custom plan for your family.Minimize. I love the book Cozy Minimalist Home by Myquillyn Smith, and have been working to apply the principles to all of our living spaces. Having less, more purposeful, things makes moving all of those things much easier. Doing 2 cross country moves in as many years made us really think ‘Is this worth hauling halfway across the country?!’ and if the answer wasn’t a resounding ‘YES!’ we chucked (or donated) it.Breathe. This can be a stressful process. Making time to do the things that center you can make all of the difference. That could be journaling, yoga, meditation, running, making pinboards on Pinterest of your dream home, whatever works for you.
I hope these tips help your move to go smoothly. There will be things beyond your control, but by keeping these 5 things in mind, you can make the process a little bit easier.
Wowee! The last two weeks have been busy. I feel like I am always saying that, but we’re always busy. 🤪
This was Ted’s first week at PreK. It went as well as expected. No tears, but some big feelings. He was nervous/scared, and a little hesitant, but would walk to his class with his teacher. She said that he does great in class, it’s just the initial separation that gets him. I figured as much, and we practiced confident, loving ‘see you laters’ all week.
Next week will be a whole new beast, as Michael will be away for training. We’ve had just over a month of all of us living under one roof again, so the 2 weeks he’s gone will be hard. I fully expect some major meltdowns, and we are doing lots of prep work (mentally and emotionally) before he leaves.
Something that has helped me a TON has been the concept of minimalism in motherhood. Not the ‘I can only own 4 shirts and 2 pants’ level of minimalism, but the ‘we have enough & any more stuff will be overwhelming’ kind of minimalism. We are still in the process of paring down and rotating the toys, but even by having less available, they get deeper creative play. It also makes it less effort to keep tidy, which leaves more energy for the fun stuff.
This week on Instagram we put a spotlight on the big D. Discipline.
Discipline has gotten a bad rep because most of us associate it with harsh punishments. But have no fear, discipline is NOT the same as punishments. In fact, punishment-free parenting hinges on discipline!
Let’s bring back this form of discipline!
So what’s the difference? Discipline comes from the Latin roots meaning ‘to teach’. We use discipline to set boundaries and teach our children what they need to know. Punishment is defined as ‘the infliction of a penalty as retribution for an offense’. Knowing these two definitions, it is easier to see how one is more effective, in the long term, than the other.
If we aren’t using punishments, what do we do when our child misbehaves? In a word, consequences. There are 3 types of consequences:
1. Natural Consequences. Natural consequences don’t require any intervention on our part, they just happen! Some examples are being cold when you don’t wear a coat, feeling hungry if you don’t eat enough at a meal, scraping your knee when you fall.
2. Logical Consequences. Logical consequences are related, reasonable, respectful actions that we take when our child misbehaves.
They are related to the misbehavior; cleaning up a spill, fixing something that is broken, time away from an activity, etc.
Reasonable means that ‘the punishment fits the crime’ (please excuse the phrase 😅). If a child throws a toy in a temper tantrum, putting ALL of their toys in the trash would be an overreaction. If a child does something dangerous, a more serious consequence is needed.
The hardest part for those of us who are relearning how to parent is respectful. Often we fall into the trap of shaming/blaming the child, when often they literally do not have the brain development to do something else. The easiest comparison I can make is how would you feel, as an adult, if your boss spoke to you that way at work. If you would feel demeaned, condescended, etc. then it is a good idea to check your tone & word choice. I like to pretend I’m David Attenborough and narrating the behaviors of a wild animal. When my tone is neutral, or even curious, it promotes problem solving and let’s them know I’m on their team.
3. Imposed Consequences. These are the most similar to traditional punishments, and I rarely use them. Like, I can’t even think of a time that I have. Most imposed consequences that I’ve seen come from a place of frustration and disregualtion in the parent. If you’re thinking ‘this is me 😬’, we’ve all been there, parenting is hard!
Validating feelings can go a LONG way to helping your child cooperate.
So how do we move from reactionary imposed consequences to calm logical consequences? Planning. Explain your expectations and what the consequence will be BEFORE it happens. Before you get out of the car, ‘We are going to the grocery store. I expect that you’ll stay near me and follow directions. If you are having a hard time with that, you’ll have to sit in the cart.’ Before you get out the bikes, ‘You can ride between the stop sign and the streetlight. If you go beyond that, we will have to come inside.’ This sets them up for success, and they won’t be surprised if you have to enforce those boundaries.
It’s been a while! Michael coming home from AIT and moving to Fort Bragg kept me pretty busy the last two months. We have had all sorts of parenting ups and downs. I spent my first nights away from the boys (5 days in fact!). We are settling in to our new house, with some new expectations and boundaries. Michael is reintegrating to being an in-person parent after 15 months of deployment/training. And we’re all reintegrating to being a family of 4 (soon to be 5) under one roof again.
We (by that I mean, I) have put a big focus on curating our home into a place of refuge and simplicity for our family. We’ve done this by minimizing and being deliberate about what we bring into our home. This can be tricky in today’s world of consumerism, especially where children are concerned. There are so many products that are marketed as ‘must-haves’ for new moms; it can be overwhelming! And, honestly, not all kids like the same things! Over the next few weeks I’ll do a blog post about what our must haves are for when Baby Girl gets here. I can’t wait to share this journey of being a girl mom & mom of 3 with you!
Minimalism is a trend that has been in and out of popularity recently. I love the book The Cozy Minimalist by Myquillyn Smith; it is all about how to merge minimalism (the art of having enough) and hygge (the Danish culture of coziness). Minimalism and kids seems laughable; kids come with so much stuff! But a lot of the things that we ‘need’ for our kids, are not actually needed. A few open ended toys that are age appropriate are all that they need to set their imaginations on fire. We are making sure to have some toys that are specific interest to our kiddos right now, but they could vary depending on what their interests are.
This is extra relevant to us, as we prepare to move across the country with only what we can fit in our SUV and that is all we will have for 6-8 weeks, until our furniture and things arrive in the moving truck. We plan on bringing a dozen or so books, and a dozen or so toys for them to use until August. (See list at the end of this post for more details). To prepare ourselves for the move, the boys and I have been slowly but surely going through our things (clothes, books, toys, household goods) and deciding what is worth waiting two months for. Everything else is either going in the trash (non-reusable) or taken for donation. I think we have made 3 trips to Goodwill this week.
Fewer toys mean deeper, more meaningful play with the toys that they have.
Teddy (4, next month) is right on the cusp of understanding what it means to donate our things. I have included him in helping me to pack up the boxes of my things to take. Modeling is the best teacher after all! He isn’t quite ready to donate his own things yet, so that I have taken the lead on. It has been mostly books that they do not read or aren’t developmentally appropriate (a lot of 3rd/4th grade books from my teaching days), or toys that they have outgrown.
Jr (2, next month) has no idea what is going on, so I make a point to narrate what we are doing when we put the boxes in the car and drop them off at the donation center. Hearing the words associated with the action, and describing why we do it will help him to build an understanding of the joys of giving. This is something that we also do as a family around Christmastime.
My challenge to you is to find that balance of ‘enough’. Not so much that you’re overwhelmed by things, and mess, and constantly picking up. Not so little that your life feels empty and devoid of love. Just enough.
My boys will play with dinosaurs for hours.
Toys we are bringing with us
Magnetic tiles – Both boys love building with these! We have a combination of different brands of these, and they are all wonderful. The Picasso tiles came with a booklet of ideas for building that has inspired Ted a lot!
Dinosaur figures – Both boys are currently obsessed with dinosaurs. The figures are by far one of their most used toys.
Foam blocks – These foam building blocks are some of my favorites because they are soft and quiet when my little Godzillas decide to destroy Tokyo.
Monster trucks – They love playing with these indoors and out.
Lovevery kit – Jr got his most recent Lovevery box last week, and all of the toys in it are interesting for both boys. They use the animal figurines in their Dino/monster truck play. They like making different designs with the pegboard. Jr loves practicing his buckling skills with the buckle pillow.
Play tunnel – This collapsable tunnel doesn’t take up much space (great for our move) and provides a wonderful opportunity for gross motor and sensory play, when I know that our furniture will be limited.
Having spent the better part of the last year & a half as the only adult in the house, I can tell you that it takes about 4.2 seconds for two kids under 4 to destroy everything. While there are some tasks that they can help with (cleaning up the playroom, for example) there are some things that have to be done, or at least facilitated, by the adults. It can easily become overwhelming to juggle all of the daily, weekly, and monthly tasks to keep a house running.
My friend Terena created a Home Systems Planner to keep everything organized. Her planner includes everything from cleaning schedules, routines, meal prep, and beyond. I use the goals sheets, routine sheets, and yearly cleaning sheet to keep myself organized and on top of our daily needs. The biggest hurdles (for me) are keeping up with dishes and laundry. With only me & the boys it doesn’t feel like we have enough to do a whole load every single day, so I end up putting it off, which leads to having it piled up. Oops. So with Terena’s goals sheets I have made it my goal to run & put away a load of each every single day. Some days that means that the dishwasher will run a half a load, which feels wasteful and annoying, but it means that our house is staying in shape and manageable. So I’ll take it.
Another system that makes our lives a million times easier is decluttering. When you have less stuff, it is easier to pick it all up. I know Marie Kondo was all the rage (do people still say that?) a couple of years ago & I still live by many of her principles. Whenever I fold & put away laundry, I ask myself ‘Do I love this? Do I feel good in this?’ If the answer isn’t a resounding ‘Yes!’, it goes in the donate box. The same goes for the boys’ clothes.
When it comes to books & toys I start with ‘Is this broken?’ If not, how often do they play with it? Sometimes it’s a matter of switching it out in our toy rotation, but other times it’s something that they have outgrown, or have multiples of. We talk about our donations, what they are, who they are going to, and why we donate the things we are no longer using. As they get older, and this becomes more familiar, they are going to help be a part of the decision and donate process. Specifically around birthdays and holidays, when we know an influx of new things is coming, it will be important to make room for those things.
Recently on Mr. Chazz’s instagram there was a great conversation about ‘Generational Wealth vs Generational Health’ which boiled down to the quantity of time parents spent at work/home compared to the quality of the time parents spent at home. I thought this topic was so important it needed its own post.
The general consensus by his 230K followers was that the QUALITY of time is more important than the QUANTITY of time that we spend with our families. Whether that means you’re working 12 hour shifts and only have family time on the weekends, or if your deployed and spend 10 months away, or if you’re a Stay At Home Mom and spend all day with your kids, it doesn’t matter too much. It’s how you spend that time that counts.
This feels especially important (and relevant) to our family right now. Michael has spent 14 of the last 16 months away from home, and I have spent ALL of that time with the boys. Michael worries that he has spent too long away & I worry that I am constantly distracted by the 1.3 million things that need to get done each day. I know I have fallen into the trap of feeling like I spend all day with my kids & I just need some time to myself each day (which is true), and I end up justifying not being present and playing with them in the name of ‘me time’. Not my best moments, but recognizing the need for change is the first step.
So now that we know we need to be present with our kids, not just physically there and mentally miles away, how do we do it? Does this mean that I am 100% focused on only my kids from the time I get home until they go to bed? Not necessarily. If that works for you, go for it. When I was teaching I only got about 2 waking hours each weekday with Teddy, so I spent all of those 2 hours doing things with him. But for most of us, that’s not possible.
So how much time DO we need to spend 100% engaged with our kids each day? As little as 5-10 minutes makes a HUGE difference in the lives of our children. Here are my tips to creating the habit of quality time every day.
Start small. Lasting change takes time. Start with 5 minutes a day and build up from there. Some days you’ll need to be done at the end of that time, and other’s you will end up playing for an hour. Set yourself up for success by making your goals achievable.
Start a timer. If you can clear your mind of the millions of tasks that need to be done & immerse yourself in your child’s world for 5 minutes, that will make a world difference to them. By having an end time, it is easier for our brains to be able to put aside the distractions and focus until the timer goes off.
Keep it simple. You don’t have to build elaborate pillow forts or make homemade slime every single day (although those can be fun activities every once in a while). Follow your child’s lead and join in what they are already playing. Snuggle up and read their favorite books together. Get out some crayons and color while chatting about your days. Ted’s favorite is for the whole family to run around the backyard being ‘chased by raptors’ (we’re going through our dinosaur phase).
Living in Plaid 